You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize