There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
