Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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