My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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