DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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