I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
