a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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