We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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