update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
