I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
