My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
