Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize