if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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