it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
