I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
