I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
