fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
