the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
