Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
