the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
