...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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