Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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