She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
