Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize