i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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