I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
