Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
