Already got asked if we're dating
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Randomize
