we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
