I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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