just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
