he thought i was a dude.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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