I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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