I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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