You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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