he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
