Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
