Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
