my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
