im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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