I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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