I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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