there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
