I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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