Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
