Pants 0. Shit 1.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
