The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
