Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
