remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
