bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
