dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
