I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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