new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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