Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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