the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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