Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
